"If you give a hungry man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime."
-Lao Tzu
Its been plaguing me for a long time to be able to really help out those having trouble adapting to conducting your love life in the face of shifting social topography and technological social "vetting" by the common person, man or woman alike.
Although there are some who do this intuitively, most of us don't yet are wondering why meeting people "the old fashioned way" just doesn't work anymore.
From 2015-Fall of 2018, I was single, generally attractive and eligible but I hadn't been in the dating game since 2007 so my experience had become well-outdated mainly due to the new online offerings being made available that I had no clue that even existed.
Although my brand included being a tech wiz, it still baffled me that I was having so much trouble with cinching this now-confusing learning curve.
I'd go out to the new venues in town and have to suffer finding that the city I live in caters more to couples than to single culture so my type (single) was always the "odd man out".
I'd eventually glance a beauty from across the room and before I can even approach her, she switches from idle mode to checking her phone with her hair hiding her face, turn away/take off in another direction or making a phone call and staying on the line indefinitely.
I'd get minor traction online but trying to jump-start an authentic relationship with someone profile first was just a confounding mystery.
I was getting nowhere so I just gave up for a while to develop myself as an individual which is always a healthy thing to do by the way.
By the time I started to actively date again in 2018, I once again kicked into research mode and began to pay even closer attention to the things both my platonic female friends and other dating account holders (on their profiles) consistently complain about when it comes to being a woman in modern society, let-alone a dating one:
* Being gawked at/approached in public
* They suffer terrible dating profiles to pick from
* So many 'bad choices' in disguise to avoid
* Men sending unsolicited inappropriate pictures
* Men requesting inappropriate pictures
* Men wanting to text too much too soon
* The dates they choose never have a 'plan'
* So many crappy first meets
* So many bad kissers
After reassessing and updating myself from press to personality, it became much easier to navigate the field and to get infinitely better "introductory" results.
Now to be fair, since then, I've found my mate and have left the market.
She understands the noble intent of this article as I felt obligated if not compelled to share my findings with you all who are still out there "in the trenches" to help ease the tension between the sexes.
And because we now need some other couples to hang out with, so get to it guys!
-Lao Tzu
Although there are some who do this intuitively, most of us don't yet are wondering why meeting people "the old fashioned way" just doesn't work anymore.
From 2015-Fall of 2018, I was single, generally attractive and eligible but I hadn't been in the dating game since 2007 so my experience had become well-outdated mainly due to the new online offerings being made available that I had no clue that even existed.
Although my brand included being a tech wiz, it still baffled me that I was having so much trouble with cinching this now-confusing learning curve.
I'd eventually glance a beauty from across the room and before I can even approach her, she switches from idle mode to checking her phone with her hair hiding her face, turn away/take off in another direction or making a phone call and staying on the line indefinitely.
I'd get minor traction online but trying to jump-start an authentic relationship with someone profile first was just a confounding mystery.
I was getting nowhere so I just gave up for a while to develop myself as an individual which is always a healthy thing to do by the way.
By the time I started to actively date again in 2018, I once again kicked into research mode and began to pay even closer attention to the things both my platonic female friends and other dating account holders (on their profiles) consistently complain about when it comes to being a woman in modern society, let-alone a dating one:
* Being gawked at/approached in public
* They suffer terrible dating profiles to pick from
* So many 'bad choices' in disguise to avoid
* Men sending unsolicited inappropriate pictures
* Men requesting inappropriate pictures
* Men wanting to text too much too soon
* The dates they choose never have a 'plan'
* So many crappy first meets
* So many bad kissers
After reassessing and updating myself from press to personality, it became much easier to navigate the field and to get infinitely better "introductory" results.
Now to be fair, since then, I've found my mate and have left the market.
She understands the noble intent of this article as I felt obligated if not compelled to share my findings with you all who are still out there "in the trenches" to help ease the tension between the sexes.
And because we now need some other couples to hang out with, so get to it guys!
Women (God love them) can be the world's best secret agents, capable in the superpower of webbed thought, tending to want to investigate and know as much as possible before going into potentially hazardous situations.
What "potentially hazardous situation(s)" in this case, you ask?
Unintentionally becoming involved with someone suffering from "Toxic Masculinity" which is a form of testosterone-addled overload.
Symptoms include verbal/physical aggression or abusiveness, bullying, negative race/gender-based commentary, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, overt douchebaggery and other socially destructive behaviors, and mindframes.
If you feel allegiance with this type of behavior, then hopefully (being a "teaching opportunity") we can help to eventually allay your concerns through our other helpful and relevant articles within our journal.
Fellas, let's face it-
..sure we run most of the world but we're rather binary (stoopid) in thought and by in large rest upon the simplest options based on the least resistance and yes, an unspoken Patriarchal (authoritative male ruling/dominance) privilege which has been in play since the caveman days.
But right now the ladies need us all to decode "install, and run" the new socio-sexual paradigm A.S.A.P. so they can stop feeling like they have to paradoxically hide themselves away from us while simultaneously demanding to be recognized by us.
What "potentially hazardous situation(s)" in this case, you ask?
Unintentionally becoming involved with someone suffering from "Toxic Masculinity" which is a form of testosterone-addled overload.
Symptoms include verbal/physical aggression or abusiveness, bullying, negative race/gender-based commentary, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, overt douchebaggery and other socially destructive behaviors, and mindframes.
If you feel allegiance with this type of behavior, then hopefully (being a "teaching opportunity") we can help to eventually allay your concerns through our other helpful and relevant articles within our journal.
Fellas, let's face it-
..sure we run most of the world but we're rather binary (stoopid) in thought and by in large rest upon the simplest options based on the least resistance and yes, an unspoken Patriarchal (authoritative male ruling/dominance) privilege which has been in play since the caveman days.
But right now the ladies need us all to decode "install, and run" the new socio-sexual paradigm A.S.A.P. so they can stop feeling like they have to paradoxically hide themselves away from us while simultaneously demanding to be recognized by us.
TIPS:
LEAVE THEM ALONE - First thing you'll need to do is to abandon that urge to go over there and introduce yourself just because they're pretty and may have paid you some modicum of attention earlier.
The Feminine fare are very complex beings and are usually having quite enough going on at the moment without your sudden bombardment of needs and usually at the most base level, to boot.
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| This is how we come off to them, when we want their attention. |
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| If you want them to see you, then don't look at them. |
She just may like what she sees; maybe not but she has to have an open chance to get a proper look at you first.
If you should end up having a live interaction with them after all, be pleasant, friendly and cordial but remember that she's most likely at this point just being nice with her guard down, which can be straight-up adorbz but is no definite indicator that they are in fact flirting with you.
If you should end up having a live interaction with them after all, be pleasant, friendly and cordial but remember that she's most likely at this point just being nice with her guard down, which can be straight-up adorbz but is no definite indicator that they are in fact flirting with you.
BE A GENT - Sure, be witty but refrain from using lewd/vulgar language way too early (if at all) only cursing when (and if) they do.
Let them know you are mindful of the airwaves and of the type of energy that you put out.
Even if they've never thought of it in that way before and curse like a sailor themselves, they usually appreciate the consideration anyway.
Of course, keep your hands and ogling gazes to yourself; exhibit self-control and restraint even though they're the most beautiful sight around and you're convinced that she digs you-
..don't make this weird!
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| You just made this weird. smh |
HAVE A PROFILE - This has nothing to do with being "desperate" or being a "playah" but if you're single in today's times, you don't even exist to the marketplace until you've registered somewhere in the social media "singles's pool".
In an age where men sometimes and without abandon ogle, catcall and even outright fondle the average woman on the street minding their own business, women now use their own agency and tech savvy to decide just who will and/or won't be allowed to make her acquaintance at all.
Long gone are the days of thinking you can just go "stepping up to a fly hottie to get them digits"; the fairer sex has since perfected ways of blocking your view, keeping you at an escapable distance and withholding your opportunity to "holla" for their own protection without your even knowing that they're doing so, even if they are indeed looking for a mate too.
MC Lyte and Positive K demonstrate:
So, if you're not receiving overt cues from them, like say, their standing on a table pointing directly at your face while waving a sign in their hand yelling "Hey you, Big Boy; why dont'cha come over here and see me sometime!" verbatim, then chances are you're dead-wrong about her interest in meeting you and your choosing to hit on her before she's even ended her already-awkward feeling quickie mart transaction.
DUDE...
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| Fellas, their outings are about them, not about us! |
If they're in the market for a lover at all, then she'll use her gadget to scan the area and if you're someone she wants to meet/know, then she may soon open a window/door of opportunity for you to.
But how does one present themselves as someone she would want to know?
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| You said it, Cube! |
TELL A STORY - When building your profile, give your viewer a better feel of what you're about by choosing a series of pictures that tell a story about you.
Perhaps you have a fun picture of you with friends, enjoying each other's company or one with a family member or "celebrity" (person of professional importance), at an interesting function, vacation or special activity; use those!
These types of photos show how fun and socially connected you may be, dispelling any fear of getting stuck with someone with massive hermetic, introverted and/or anti-social tendencies.
Hopefully, I don't have to tell you to post pictures that you look especially good in.
Use that picture of you in that suit or in that Speedo by the shore or on that elephant or horse in the wild or with that fresh haircut or as a cute bouncing baby/kiddo; hopefully its not all the same picture!
Leave off the pics of you in front of your material assets (e.g., cars, motorcycle, boat, house, etc.); that reads as "overcompensation". They like it as much as we like seeing all their vacation pictures where they're the only person in the shot but you know they went with their then-lover.
Put some decent clothes on and for God's sake, no "d*** pics"; they simply don't like it!
Hopefully, I don't have to tell you to post pictures that you look especially good in.
Use that picture of you in that suit or in that Speedo by the shore or on that elephant or horse in the wild or with that fresh haircut or as a cute bouncing baby/kiddo; hopefully its not all the same picture!
Leave off the pics of you in front of your material assets (e.g., cars, motorcycle, boat, house, etc.); that reads as "overcompensation". They like it as much as we like seeing all their vacation pictures where they're the only person in the shot but you know they went with their then-lover.
Put some decent clothes on and for God's sake, no "d*** pics"; they simply don't like it!
Keep it more about making them laugh than about telling how many things you want and/or dislike.
For one thing, disliking too many things makes you come off as a complainer.
Instead, spend more energy being positive, listing things you love/enjoy and creating a desire in them to know more about and perhaps be with you.
And for another thing, they aren't really going to remember all you tell them and will ask again later anyway, just like when you go for a job interview with your resume in-hand and they lay it aside, handing you a standard application to fill out regardless.
Save yourself the upset of writing a novel here.
You are the novel; this part is just for writing the commercial/trailer for your novel!
TEXT TO MEET - So many poor guys out there that could actually be good match lose their cool, "spilling all their beans in the lobby" by launching into a full-fledged text interview in the first few interactions with a potential candidate.
Resist this urge to text ad nauseam.
This tires them out and extinguishes the tension and curiosity between you both.
I know you're super excited about having made a connection and while you want to now give them the deep conversations they may have posted to want, your main objective is to come traditionally face-to-face with them as soon as possible so they can best read the novel that is you.
Within 3-5 rounds of texts have the nerve worked up to ask them out to meet, having already thought of somewhere safe, convenient, public and non-committal to begin your live interactions.
This more efficiently utilizes the already built-up tension in order to create the excitement needed for the next phase.
This also lets them know that you're capable of planning and are also considerate of the safety of all parties involved.
For good measure, make sure that you compliment her during your initial texting exchange and that your text bubble's size matches hers so if she comments in one short line then you do so as well and if she writes a paragraph, then likewise its okay for you to respond up to that size of bubble.
Disproportionate bubbles equals disproportionate conversational energies.
Are they just not that into you right now?
It may just be a bad time to unpack a big convo. Heck, they just met you!
It may just be a bad time to unpack a big convo. Heck, they just met you!
Help save energy; just meet in person.
Keep your first interactions short and wrap up conversation immediately after making your plans to meet; like the old adages say: "A-B-C = Always Be Closing" and "Always leave them wanting more".
UNPACK YOUR ADJECTIVES - Just like that old Schoolhouse Rock song, you've got to get some new and fresh adjectives to describe the lovelier sex, guys.
One of our (men's) main reasons we sometimes rub women the wrong way is that there's this immense gap in our vocabulary when describing something aesthetically pleasing (i.e., their garments worn, their appearance, their scent, their family/friends, etc.) as either the standard go-to terms "pretty" or "nice" or we go to the other extreme and use words like "fine", "hot or "sexy" which are too gross/inappropriate of adjectives to use in most of these cases.
Use other adjectives that do the trick without unintentionally sexualizing an otherwise innocently-intended compliment:
* Amazing
* Brilliant
* Fantastic
* Awesome
* Magnificent
* Adorable
* Cute
* Sweet
* Lovely
* Great
*Smokin'
*Smokin'
* Bad-ass
* Precious
* Beautiful
* Incredible
* Remarkable
* Wonderful
I have no idea how it got to be this way but we must re-introduce these words back into our everyday vocabulary.
Not only will you stop sounding like a sleazy degenerate but you'll have the appearance of a being a more positive and intelligent person as well.
One other thing; be sure to compliment things that she had a hand in herself like her choice(s) of outfitting, creative ability, mental strength, her works, etc.
This is an appreciation of their Soul which everyone truly desires deep within.
Commenting on her physicality or "what God gave her" (e.g., her lips, breasts, butt, legs, feet, shape, etc.) gets only a minimal to zero positive effect.
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| Careful how you talk 'round the women-folk! |
PLAN TO ASSURE THEIR SAFETY - Alongside texting to meet, you may want to have already made a shortlist of all the nearby places (i.e., coffee shops, bars, public parks, etc.) that would be nice to meet someone at for the first time at and that would make them feel as safe and as at-ease as possible.
Restaurant? Movie? A fun venue?
While it indeed is a public place and you may be thinking this is/will be your "first date" with them, it isn't (yet); and quite frankly a whole activity may be too committal for a first meeting.
Rather, think of this meeting as the co-creation of both your "first time we ever met" story in lieu of the old boring "we met online" plotline.
Here's where you can even get to work a little rom-com action in here with the aforementioned "meet cue" moment, as you're their approved leading love interest in your first scene together!
Instead of a whole activity, suggest a simple passive activity like coffee, tea, a cocktail, an ice cream/smoothie or a small casual walk so that if there are no chemistry then you can just end the meeting in 20 minutes or so or after you finish whatever you chose.
BRING THEM SOMETHING NICE - Respect even this micro-level you're at with her and bring a small gift between $5-10 (i.e., flowers, a simple anti-microbial jewelry, non-sexual garment like a cool graphics tee, hoodie, or ball cap, bottle of libation, etc,).
NOTE: Any gift given no matter the price shall be given without expectations of sex, favors, money or reciprocal gift-giving.
If you give a gift, give it as a "free gift" that they could either treasure or trash and you shall not complain of her decision to do with it as they therefore wish.
Use your fact retention skills by getting them something you've noticed them liking like her favorite music/pop culture merch, a book, vinyl record or a small bouquet of their favorite flower type.
They will absolutely love it as it shows that you know how to pay real attention to them.
AGAIN, BE A GENT - Do all the things a Gentleman does for a Lady: Open their doors, take their hand, stand when they enter and exit, give them your coat when they're cold, etc.
They may dismiss it, believing it to be from old-fashioned and unnecessary to rude, but dare to do so anyway. In many cases, they don't yet realize the extent of care being taken of them only to later come to appreciate the gesture(s) especially when they don't get that type of treatment from anyone else. This makes you rare and unique to them.
PAY THE BILL - You're probably right if you're thinking that a neutral meeting like this should be "Dutch treat" but here's where so many boys aren't able to distinguish themselves as men in this area.
Pay the tab and do it quickly before they have a chance to pay their share, maybe while they're in the restroom.
Most likely, its a small one really. However, this communicates your being willing/able to take personal responsibility for their well-being as well as for your own, no matter how small/insignificant.
Take the mindstate that its no big deal for you and there's no expectations. To them, this notion is a humongous breath of fresh air!
Take the mindstate that its no big deal for you and there's no expectations. To them, this notion is a humongous breath of fresh air!
TAKE THE PAIN, AND MAKE IT LOOK EASY - Yes, you just gave a gift and paid their tab with no promise nor expectations of it working out any and yes, you have to act like it didn't phase you.
If you're lucky, they'll grow to love you and then will be blaming you for things and bringing you pain regularly but for now, you've got to learn how to bear these smaller "labor (of love) pains" without wincing at the bill amount, delineating who had what or taking on a huffy attitude about having paid without any romantic payoff or confirmation.
Remember, she can always pay her own way but if she does, its pretty-much over for you as a romantic candidate.
My dad once told me that if you're too broke to pay your bill twice over, then you're too broke for a girlfriend.
You can even practice getting billed by occasionally going out with platonic friends, exploring new spots and paying for each other's meals and/or rounds of drinks.
This gets you used to paying for someone else's tab without the high stakes of having to keep a poker face in front of your date because you're just now doing this for the first time.
Or maybe its the end of your meet time and there's no sparks to be had; in this case, graciously thank them for their time, refrain from mentioning the gift nor the bill and pleasantly make your exit.
You may be personally devastated that this wasn't a match but one's aloof demeanor counts for a lot here.
You may have made a new platonic friend or maybe are just having a "delayed reaction"-type scenario where you may just need more time still to warm up to each other.
In any case, be cool and "never let 'em see you sweat".
MAKE YOUR MOVE - I said earlier that this isn't your first date with them but rather the "meet cue" opportunity.
However if its going well and you've actually managed to upgrade your meet time into a "date" by adding another couple of legs (eg., another round of libation, food, additional activity, etc.) onto your time together, then you may want to close with an appropriate clear signal.
Walk them to their car or to wherever their safety boundary allows and if she has been touching you throughout your time together, then you may want to reciprocate by getting a little closer or perhaps giving a light touch on their lower back as you guide them through passages/doorways.
Is there lingering or are they raring to go?
Lingering translates to savoring the nowness, not wanting the moment to end and signals that they had an enjoyable time so this is the time to get closer still.
A kiss?
Maybe, but definitely go for a good hearty hug; life is stressful and one good hug is better than ten compliments especially in a romantic scenario like this where the sexual tension is now at its apex.
If it lasts for a few moments, this means you could probably succeed in a gentle kissing session next.
However don't ask, just kiss them.
Asking is described as a boring "wuss move" that pre-maturely extinguishes the once-again built-up sexual tension and opens the door for an intellectual "no".
Be confident, however avoid being forceful.
While a steady hand is a turn-on, brutish entitlement is not. Palming their goodies without permission can get you a slap in the face at least!
Lastly, look for her eyes for darting in a triangular motion from one of your eyes to the other eye then down to your lips. Once you see that, give her your kiss.
Lastly, look for her eyes for darting in a triangular motion from one of your eyes to the other eye then down to your lips. Once you see that, give her your kiss.
LEAVE THE MARKET - Congratulations! Your date went so well that you're now seeing each other regularly. In case you had fallen more in love with your chosen dating apps/sites than any of your candidates, I'd recommend anyone intending to find a serious mate to refrain from joining/getting a paid membership to such apps.
Think about it:
The main objective of entering into the dating "marketplace" is to find what you want/need so it stands to reason that if you want a serious mate, then after selecting one, you then leave the market.
Getting a paid membership means that you're more interested in shopping short-term and that your relationship with the app is more important than the relationship you may build with any one of its offered candidates.
Here is where you do the smart thing: "fold" your hand and leave with your winnings.
I hope this article can help ease the stress involved in being out there in the dating world in the era of social media vetting and the influence technology has had on the sexes's/genders's relationship to one another.
I also hope I've been fair in my representations of others (eg., other men, women, LGBTQIA+, etc.) in my reporting.
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