by M Jvlian Simmons
A STARSHIPper asks:
"Drop some not-so-common knowledge/advice for moms raising a son with no male figure in the home.
Takes a village, right?
What are some important things we (single mothers) may need to consider from a male point of view?"
Although several of these "pearls of Wisdom" are not gender-specific, they all are things that I have been either told by my own parents, have said as one or are things I have experienced myself as a younger man.
Being a father of three now-adult offspring, this list is also full of things that I'd like my own kids especially my son to know within their being no matter what age they are or how many future generations they themselves raise.
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| Will and son, Jaden Smith |
FOR MOMS
* Refrain from arguing/fighting, bad-mouthing, belittling, berating your child(ren)'s father, period, not just in the child's presence.
They may indeed be crazy, lazy or justifiably worthy of your criticism and disdain but hearing your disparaging commentary about it can damage the child more than the situation itself.
* Unless he (the dad)'s a real nut-job or a toxic threat, always allow your son access to his father.
Maybe he's dead-broke or going through especially hard times right now but if possible and within reason, keep the path between them open.
Sometimes a little quality time between parent and child will do wonders for parental morale as well as the child's.
* As a parent, be a bit slow to the rescue on certain things. Of course be supportive, however make sure he is held accountable for what he either does or doesn't do.
Teach them over time about decision-making, self-reliance and acknowledge his strength gained from solving his own problems.
* Be ready when your young son inevitably discovers masturbation (or pornographic media or eventually gets caught with a lover in his room like I did) because it just may happen.
It will probably leave YOU needing therapy but don't embarrass him if you should catch him; that'll just give him a complex.
So just knock and wait to come in and make noise on purpose as you're approaching his room/area.
My mom used to purposefully rattle her keys or wonder something loudly and nearby, giving me a moment or two to get myself together before she got there especially if her intuition was telling her that something fishy was afoot involving nudity.
Afterward (within the hour or so), if it needs discussing then do so in a loving and understanding but firm tone; or simply do as my mom did when she found all my dirty magazines under my bed when I was 12:
..just threw them away when I wasn't looking and said absolutely NOTHING about it.
Oh well...
FOR SONS:
* G-d first.
* Love, honor and respect your mama. She's the first woman in your life.
* Rise for both women and for your elders when they come into your presence, open doors and/or give your seat (if there are none other available) to them too.
* One does not simply grow from a BOY to a MAN. At first you're a BOY, then you grow into being a GUY.
The trick is to evolve from being a GUY to being a MAN.
* Protect the lesser.
There are three types of people: Sheep, wolves, and the sheepdogs.
Be a sheepdog.
* Look people in the eye when speaking to them.
* Give a firm but flexible handshake.
* The days of job security are over.
Think in terms of what your Purpose/business will be and then be about that.
* REFRAIN FROM PROMISING AND FROM SWEARING - If you say you will do something, then just do it and let your word alone be true.
*Learn to say "no" without feeling compelled to explain why.
* Determine the difference between giving a REQUEST and giving a COMMAND.
When I was a teen, I'd begin my order at a restaurant with "can/may I have...?". My dad would then correct my speech and remind me that in that particular case (dealing with someone who must comply), it required a command not a request, so instead say "I will have...".
Likewise there are certain cases where a REQUEST is more appropriate than a command (dealing with someone who does not have to comply if they don't wish).
Learn when to do which.
* My dad used to say "kissing a** is out of order" which meant to give respect where respect is due, however avoid fawning-over or holding a person in too much reverence or too high of a regard.
JUST BE COOL.
* My father also used to say as he drove with me past graveyards, "the cemetery is filled with unfulfilled dreams" which taught me to focus on my own dream fulfillment because we are only here for a limited and indeterminable time.
* One of the most attractive things a man can do for a woman is to clean stuff and wax domestication and/or handiness.
Alongside basic car maintenance, know how to cook, clean a house and to do laundry; you'll never regret it.
* When you want to meet a girl/woman, "hello, my name is ____" is always a great start.
* Women love compliments but not about things that had no part in (physical features) so praise them on their talent(s) and CHOICES (skillful and clever works of her mind) instead.
* Sometimes when a girl/woman tells you her problems, she doesn't expect you to say something to fix it for her; she rather just wants you to listen.
* Keep your girlfriend's whereabouts private from your friends or they are subject try to visit her in your absence.
* Keep your love life also private. Not everyone is as thrilled about your love as you both may be. Sometimes people will even try to sabotage the good thing you've got going.
Plus, telling your friends the juicy details about her can get your girl stolen by one of them. Not to mention, you participate in devaluing your mate when you do this.
* If she shares a secret with you, KEEP IT.
* DON'T eat onions, beans nor broccoli before a date. Not even the day before. Trust me.
* Smell good up-close rather than from far away. Keep your fragrance faint; no need to smell like a European nightclub from 20ft away.
* There's a space between your balls and butthole; KEEP THAT CLEAN TOO.
* Treat any woman accompanying you like precious cargo because SHE IS.
Always return them in just as good if not better condition as when you picked her up (no getting drunker than she, no hazardous vehicle trickery, rapiness, abusiveness, etc).
Also, whenever possible, make a point to return her to wherever you picked her up from. Avoid picking her up from one place (like from her home, an unknown friend's house, some random place, etc.) and dropping her off at any other place than what's reasonably safe (like at another unknown friend's house, some other random place, her dismissing you in order for her to stay behind or to opt to leave with someone else, etc.) especially when you're supposed to be out on a date.
This is for both your safety and is totally reasonable to insist upon it. However, let her leave if she'd prefer and then avoid taking her out ever again.
* Always be ready to pay for an extra person's worth on a date.
* Never react to your bill on a date; just PAY it and keep the amount to yourself.
* An expensive date bill is not a bargaining chip for sex; she is free from obligation to do ANYTHING for/with/to you.
* Sex too early in life can turn you out and even give you a kid you aren't ready to stop your life in order to raise.
If you have dreams, keep 'it' (your junk) in your pants until your dreams come true.
* NO ROMANCE WITHOUT FINANCE - If you ain't got no money, then you can't afford a girlfriend.
"Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent; you gotta have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me!"
-Gwen Guthrie
* You can not have/keep both money and a woman; if you have either one for too long, then prepare to lose out on the other.
"I dunno which is better: getting laid or getting paid; I just know when I'm getting one, the other's getting away!"
-Kanye West
..and yet at the same time...
*"Its cheaper to keep her."
-Johnny Taylor
I don't know why; it just is.
* Allow your woman to blame you (for most things); you'll be happier knowing its coming.
Besides, men are especially designed to be their scapegoat "a**holes" sometimes so just learn to deal with it.
* If she keeps her phone face-down and on her farthest side all the time, its not a good sign.
* BE SOMEWHERE; stay off the streets if/when you don't have anywhere in particular to go.
That's when/where random mayhem happens.
And if you do have somewhere to go, then GO and not meander/loiter which is something that a potential victim does.
* Look like somebody (dress well) because an impression will no doubt be made by others.
* Have/Be a friend(s) that can actually HELP you in life sometimes (skilled, willing to invest, lend, refer, share, serve, etc.).
* Never lend/bet more than you care to lose.
And if you lend more than $20, then just count it as a gift.
* When you're a kid, everyone wants to help you achieve your dreams but when you grow up, help is scarce-
..VERY scarce.
Use the help that people are currently begging to give you while they still care.
* If ever pulled over/challenged by police:
- Be cool and relax.
- Don't chat or discuss your day, intentions, plans, etc.
- Stay in the vehicle initially until they return after running your info; only then may you exit, only if then asked.
- Use "sir/ma'am" respectfully.
- Keep your hands visible and don't make sudden moves.
- Keep your hands at your side or in a relaxed position.
- Have a parent, guardian, relative or lawyer on speed-dial.
- Know and assert your Rights (calmly and politely).
- Lead the charge; if you have to be arrested, be cooperative and get to the station (and among public witnesses) as soon as possible.
- NEVER RUN/FLEE. Its better to just deal with a potential $250-500 charge, than to try to flee and get hurt or killed over it. Your life is priceless but it can also be taken for naught in such a high pressure situation.
* As you age, you have to pay for more and more but keep away from scamming, stealing or even pawning away your belongings, constant borrowing and/or selling your biology (habitual plasma donating for money, clinical trials, etc.).
You're just better than that.
* Stand tall.
Even if you're the tallest, stand even taller still and demand higher ceilings.
I hope that this short list helps to answer your question. If so, please feel free to like, comment and even share this article!
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